There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
Randomize
