Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Randomize
