My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.
She did the bend and snap...
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
Alex thinks he can revoke my dick privileges haha.
Isn't he the one getting all the privileges ?
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