Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
It was darkish out, I was shit faced, and they should have marked the electric fence a little more clearly. The entire wedding reception saw me run full force into it
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
