Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
My breasts were aching with rage.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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