Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.
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I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
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Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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