the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
no, he's only a walking dick if he mans up. right about now he's just a walking transgender.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Want to help me look around town for my shorts from last night?
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
