Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.
I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She only fucks to metal. I don't know whether to marry her or run for the hills.
He went snooping and now he's all intimidated by my super amazing box of sexy time toys.
Please stop calling it that.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I got a 93 percent on my last mid term and I was drunk. Think of the possibilities if i were sober for the one thats tommorrow.
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
