I didn't shave. On purpose
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Randomize
