It's a beautiful day for a hangover
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I feel like my foot is being amputated. Or maybe it's the vodka. I couldn't tell you.
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
Nothing says "sober up, you whore" quite like an early morning PAP smear.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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