I think I should receive an honorary Heisman... I mean, I did sleep with two of the finalists
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I have so many plans for this weekend and sobriety is not invited.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
Did my dad just see you doing a walk of shame?
Yup I waved.
Randomize
