I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
sick fucks of a feather flock together
It's one of those things you just need to see in person at least once in your life. Like Niagara falls or some shit. His ass is the Niagara falls of asses
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
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