i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i am not listening to taylor swift on a pink ipod. totally not happening.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
His fucking was so lame I considered painting my nails during...
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
