dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Randomize
