Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
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