turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
I fucked my cousin and caught chlamydia this year. I can't really harbour any illusions about myself anymore.
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
Randomize
