I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
Just walk through the Honors dorm on a Saturday night. You'll feel better about yourself.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I mean how do you tell a nurse in the ER that you dislocated your knee giving a blowjob to your boyfriend.
Very innocently.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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