the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
You're earring is so big in my mouth
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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