well I can't set my house on fire every night
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
Btw I appreciate you as a friend for taking the time to validate my sluttiness
Bruise count after new years, 7. 2018 is looking up.
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
