You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
