You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
not totally sure where im at but i think i've definitely woken up on this couch before. bong on the coffee table looks familiar. should be able to find my way home
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
That's what you get for doing kinky shit with a guy that lives in his moms basement.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
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