Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Randomize
