We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
