i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Rock bottom: having sex rejected while your boyfriend talks in his sleep as you stuff your face with Girl Scout cookies
Why are there 17 orders of shrimp lo mein in the bathtub?
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
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