Any of you guys fuck a 16 year old again? Because our front yard got fucked over high school style.
I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
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dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
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Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
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