I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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