apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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