How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
i just want a position where we can lock up like some sort of sexual megatron and go the whole night that way
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
Randomize
