Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I feel like Captain Blackout doesn't do her justice. Brigadier General Blackout is much better.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
There are so many things that would come back to haunt me if I ran for President someday.
like that video of you mad stoned vomiting in the bdubs parking lot after going to a pizza buffet screaming how you needed to make room for froyo
Wat
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
Randomize
