nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Dicks are so weird. He has kind of a feminine comforter in the background.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
For the first time in my 26 years of life, I'm washing jizz out of my ponytail.... High five yourself later.
We are gonna play a game I like to call what the fuck is in my pocket
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
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