So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
I just sent a snapchat of my boobs for Adderall. It's finals season.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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