my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
be right there i have to get my cape
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
Randomize
