Dude, way to rack up $80 in pornos in the hotel room last night, and not tell me before I got blindsided at check out.
Heh. Guess I ordered some porno last night. Heh.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
Is it worth it to drive to a zoo with a high possibility of sex at said zoo?
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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