I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
Randomize
