Look on the bright side, you can mark 'beastiality' off your bucket list
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
i just deleted him from my phone. and yes... I did just text you this from less than 20 feet away.
I'm not judging.. I sure as hell am not getting out of my bed to come talk to you about this. but i support your decision
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
Randomize
