dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
cant help it. i get a boner every time that shake weight infomercial comes on
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Plus now I feel weird sleeping with you. It's like shooting a three legged deer. It's already at a disadvantage and couldn't get what it's full potential deserves.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
