Barsexuality is the new black.
oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
She thinks I'm afraid I'm gonna get caught in one of my lies and some of the girls I'm fucking will find out about each other. But it would be a relief to offload a few from the old crop and work in a few newbies into the rotation. The organization could use some new blood.
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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