My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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