I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
called my therapist. she asked if I was sad bc of m.j.'s death. are ppl that pathetic?
you need more empathy. some people get depressed for reasons OTHER than being a whore.
They should really pass out barf bags in church
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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