I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
I looked at my own cervix.
he said i look beautiful when i cum. i think i'm in love.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
I woke up with a dick pic from the ex-Mormon via email. Not really what I wanted to see before my first cup of coffee this morning, but I gotta say, I'm impressed.
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
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