why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
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