i dont even know how to be here
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
His relationship is over as soon as he sees my boobs. I’m going to titty fuck my way into his heart
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