Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Operation Purity has been aborted
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
sick fucks of a feather flock together
I'm pretty sure every guy I've been with this weekend has made a solid attempt at getting me pregnant...
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I think I'm going to contact pbr and see if they'll sponsor our dreams
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
I assume you passed out however I'm drinking jäger and beer in bed with my cat so your friendship world have been appreciated
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
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