All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
Everything is fine now . The coast guard said we just can't take the inflatable trampling out past the break way anymore
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Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
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AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
I drove them away with my sparkling personality and LOTR references.
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
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