Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
You kept trying to use my cat as a napkin.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I'VE LOST MY DIGNITY, MY PRIDE, AND EVEN MY BOOTY CALL. HAPPY THANKSGIVING.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
I'm currently using a band-aid to cover my bar stamp from last night while I ask my professor for an extension. That's a sign of getting more responsible, right?
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Randomize
