This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.
All i learned in high school was how to sell drugs
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
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