if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
I'm confident that their children would come out as 100% authentic rats
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
