im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room
There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Everyone says I win the strip club
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Randomize
