I'm sorry my penis didn't work
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I was grinding on people that were grinding. Nonconsensual.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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