I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
Hey, you guys have all had chicken pox, right?
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
Randomize
