i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I'm trying to arrange "Flawless" to come on as soon as I get up to leave the room after my thesis defense. Bow down bitches indeed.
If you're doing something that makes your best friend lock you in a bathroom you shouldn't be doing it
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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