Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We just watched planet earth in marine bio. And our prof told us that was all we were doing on 420
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Used my phone to vibrate 'eye of the tiger'. It's like Rocky is punching my nuts, but gently.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
i have achieved a new state of being which requires no food or water but is sustained only by coffee and pure, unrelenting rage
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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