Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
Is it really bad that my last patient offered to fuck my brains out if I gave her IV morphine...and I gave her my phone number and told her when my shift is over?
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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