how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
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