i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Sometimes i like to think we arent living together next year and that im living with models that like to experiment but you ruin that fantasy time and time again
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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