Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.
You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
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He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
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If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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